There are two kinds of people at the track. There are Petes, and there are Brians. It all comes down to what you do when you're not riding. What kind of person are you?
Recently I took Brian out to an MX track. I was shocked at how he did everything wrong. I mean everything. Everytime I pointed out something he was doing wrong, he tried to tell me I had things wrong. I just don’t understand this guy. Here’s an idea of how our day at the track went -
BP: “I don’t really care about my appearance that much when I ride; I just ride. Recently, DR Web Producer Pete Peterson and I went to Racetown 395 in Adelanto, CA to do some product testing and spin some laps on the motocross track. Little did I know it would become such an etiquette lesson.”
PP: Brian, I don't care what you look like when you ride, I care what you look like when you're pitted with me at a motocross track. If you think you're going to slant this article to make you look like your average rider, we should label this fiction right now. You were a goon's goon. I'd be happy to go through our day point by point. I want our readers to know the horror I went through. I challenge you to defend yourself on any of 'etiquette mistakes' you made out there. You were goony, dangerous, and embarrassing - and that was before you even unloaded the bike! Tell you what, you make your points, let me make mine, and we'll settle this in the court of public opinion. Help me remember the first bonehead thing you did. There were so many I really can't remember which was first.
BP: Alright, I’m going to show these Dirt Rider people how to do things right. First things first, I think you were most embarrassed by my straw cowboy hat with a hole in the front of it. I’ll have you know I paid $3.00 for that hat on clearance at Wal-Mart.
PP: Dude, I don’t care what your hat looks like. Did you see mine? It’s so crusted with sweat it doesn’t fold up anymore. You don’t have to dress nice – it is the pits, after all. You’re going to get dirty and sweaty. Wear your worst, I don’t care. Your hat was the least of your problems.
BP: As for my pre-ride meal, who cares if I eat a bag of popcorn I bought at a gas station and some jelly doughnuts- that’s how we do things at ATV Rider. They’re just calories; they’ll burn off as you ride, don’t worry.
PP: Do you put cheap gas in your bike? Actually, you wouldn’t know, since you just mooch my gas – but I’ll tell you, it’s Super, not the cheap stuff. You also shouldn’t put bad fuel in your body. This isn’t a weekend of playing videogames where your biggest physical concern is thumb-fatigue and bedsores, this is motocross. You need to be in shape, and you need to eat right, especially the day of your ride. I know you enjoyed that jelly donut, but I could tell once I saw you ride that you were weak. You didn’t even have the strength to twist the throttle more than ¼ turn. A healthier breakfast might have gotten you all the way into second gear. Motocross should be an adrenalin rush, not a sugar rush.
BP: Next, it’s true that I don’t like to use bike stands. Why bother, when you can just use a tie-down strap to hook the bike to your truck and then lean the bike over? Some say it looks ghetto, but I say let the truck do the work; don’t strain your back trying to lift the bike onto a clunky stand.
PP: That’s cute that you think you have the easy way to do things. But your bike was in my way all day. That and I was worried it was going to fall and scratch my truck. My truck isn’t pretty, but it looks better than anything with a bike hanging from a tie down on it. Plus you want to have your bike on a stand that keeps the rear tire off the ground so you can, oh, I don’t know, lube your chain, for example.
BP: In those rare situations where I actually feel like maintaining something, I bring along a triangle stand to stick in the rear axle. Then I start the bike and leave it in neutral, then lean the bike on its side until the rear wheel comes off the ground, using the triangle stand as a fulcrum point. Then grab a can of chain lube, put the bike in 2nd gear, and spray the chain lube on as the rear wheel spins. It’s as simple as that. Also, don’t worry about using a straw with your spray can. I can never keep track of those things, so just spray the lube all over the chain wherever. Then go ride!
PP: Brilliant. Yep, spray away. Don’t worry about actually properly lubing the chain. Cracked cases are fun and cheap to replace. Don’t worry about how hard all that extra chain lube you spray everywhere but on the chain is to clean up. But I’m sure you’re not planning to keep your bike clean. Why would you want a clean bike? Who would want to see things like a crack developing in the rim or hub? In your case, with all the gunk you’re loading up on the rear, you might not even be able to see if a sprocket bolt fell out. Two more words – ‘unsprung weight.’ You’re gonna have a pound of dried chain lube weighing down your rear wheel. If you ever go fast enough to make the suspension move you might notice it. I won’t even get into how dangerous your approach is. You could hurt yourself, which wouldn’t be so bad, but what if the bike got away from you and hurt someone else?
BP: Man, whatever. It’s a dirt bike, not an ATV. It’ll fall over and stall eventually. Things like this are what make you an amateur and make me a pro.
PP: Brian, count to ten. Had to use your fingers, didn’t you? Keep lubing your chain with the engine running and someday you might only be able to count to nine.
BP: When I want to take a break from riding and head back into the pit area, I don’t pull my goggles off and put them into a little felt baggie like you do. Just pull them down over the mouthpiece of your helmet like I do. Honestly, does it even matter?
PP: I will skip over the fact that this stretches out your goggle strap and jump right to telling you there is not one single thing you could do at the track to make you look more like a goon. I don’t understand why people do this. Are you trying to fog your goggles? Trying to make it harder to take them off? Or is there some goon gene in your DNA crying out that somehow this looks cool? Do you pull your underwear over your head when you’re changing your clothes? You know, don’t answer that, I don’t want to know, and I’m afraid the answer would be yes. You do change your underwear, right?...
BP: My next piece of advice for reader is: when you sit down, just sit down wherever. In the picture, your old man is pretty smart and is sitting in the shade, but if you’re really cool like me, you can sit in the sun and tough it out, even if you forgot your sunglasses like I did. You’ll see me sitting in a chair in the bed of my truck for extra visibility, or out in the open. I don’t need a shade tree.
PP: If you want to get a tan, go to the beach or to a pool. If you want to come out to the track with me, you should be resting when you’re not riding. Resting includes getting out of the hot sun. When you invited yourself to go to the track with me, I thought you were interested in riding, not coming out to have a donut and popcorn social. But it was kinda fun laughing at all the dumb things you did. Anytime you want to come out to the track again, just ask. And just don’t park next to me.
BP: You’re forgetting one of the most important laws of riding which is: ATV guys always get more girls than dirt bikers. You can call me a couch rider, or a goon, but the look on this gal’s face makes it quite clear that she is enamored with me, jelly donut or no jelly donut. Face it, this girl has great taste in magazines.
PP: In magazines, yes, in guys, no. I get the last word. Brian, don’t ever co-author a web article with the Web Producer.
I’m sure I’m right, he’s sure he’s right. What kind of rider are you? Are you a Pete, or a Brian?